SERVICES

Everything under one roof.
Roof completion pending.

A complete service from “easy job, that” to “just need another day”.

We draw it. We lose it. We improvise. The final version is whichever one Dennis hasn’t spilt tea on.

The shelves are holding up. The client is holding their head. “Sound, la. Just don’t put anything on ’em.”

Measure twice. Cut once. Visit the timber yard three more times. No two pieces alike. Even when requested.

Open-plan offices. Especially while the walls are still missing. Your corner office may contain three corners.

Hard hats on at all times. Especially when explaining the invoice to the client.

Budget, programme and reality. We tried to get them in the same meeting. The meeting is running late.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Very confident answers.

Do you meet deadlines?

Absolutely. We meet them, wave as they go past, and arrange to see them again next week. “Tomorrow, bab. Proper tomorrow.”

Do you work from drawings?

The drawing is always on site. Its exact location is managed by the last person who said “just had it”.

Can I change the design?

Course, la. Sometimes the design changes before you’ve even asked.

Is everything level?

Depends which end you’re standing at. From the van, absolutely.

Is this a real contractor?

No. This is a fictional parody website. No real services, bookings or payments are offered.

GOT A BIG PLAN?