Looks switched on.
The socket is perfectly aligned. Unfortunately, it’s a sticker. “Wireless electricity, bab. Very modern.” Ilgas has requested the actual electrician.
THE COWBOY CLEAN-UP DEPARTMENTILGAS
ILGAS
NUMBER ONE.
Local cowboys. Bodged jobs. One man who might actually find the spirit level.
“Come back, please.
We need you to sort out all the local cowboys and bodged jobs.”
The shelves are sliding. The doors are negotiating. Somebody has called a crooked wall “rustic”. Dennis has already said “Be alright, la.” We need you before they invoice us for the character.
Manager: “Ilgas, bab. We’ve got cowboys everywhere.”
Dennis: “Actual ones, or the lads who did the kitchen?”
Manager: “Both. One’s parked a horse in the loading bay.”
FICTIONAL CASE FILESLooks proper.
CASE 01 / THE DECORATIVE SOCKET CASE 02 / THE SELF-OPENING DOOR CASE 03 / THE GRAVITY SHELF CASE 04 / THE MYSTERY INVOICE CASE 05 / THE BESPOKE CUPBOARD CASE 06 / THE AFTERCARE SERVICE
Looks proper.
Absolute bodge.
Automatic. Without electricity.
The door opens on its own because the frame’s leaning. “Smart building, la.” It also closes on its own. Depending on the wind.
Stock rotation. Literally.
All the tins roll to one end. The cowboy calls it an inventory-management system. Ilgas calls it Tuesday’s first problem.
Professional paperwork.
“Materials: £200. Labour: £400. Looking concerned: £150.” The concern was genuine. Mostly about getting paid before Ilgas arrived.
Custom-built confusion.
Left door opens. Right door opens. Both together? Structural incident. “Don’t get greedy, bab. One at a time.”
Gone before the grout dries.
The cowboy promised to return tomorrow. That was three phone numbers ago. Ilgas is now the only person answering.
We asked for a foreman.
They sent a dairy manager.
The cow has found
three more defects.
She hasn’t even looked at the budget yet.
Manager: “I said no more cowboy builders, bab.”
Dennis: “This one’s just a cow, la. Already more qualified.”
Cow: “Moo.”
Dennis: “She says the wall’s on the wonk. Be alright, la.”
Ilgas: “Why is there a cow in the site meeting?”
Manager: “Only contractor who turned up on time.”
ILGAS NUMBER ONE / THE COMEBACK PLAN
“First, find the drawing.
Then, find whoever ignored it.”
After that: tea. Then sort the jobs. Then explain the cow.
Small budget.
Large collection of excuses.
“Is it meant to do that?”
If the answer starts with “technically”, take another look.
“Finish not included.”
Neither is finishing. The cowboy has been unusually honest in the small print.
“Ilgas, come back.”
The client wants straight walls, working doors and a sensible invoice. We’ve exhausted all the other options.
Fictional comedy situations, characters and invoices. These are jokes, not claims about real tradespeople. No actual cow was appointed project manager.
ILGAS NUMBER ONE
See the imaginary job pile ↗